


austin szerba murdered me

by ratassotoole



Category: Grasshopper Jungle - Andrew Smith
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, M/M, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-26 21:49:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30112545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ratassotoole/pseuds/ratassotoole
Summary: about a year after the events of grasshopper jungle, austin is still conflicted over who he loves. he's been putting off doing anything, and the three of them have remained in an endless circle of robby and shann fighting for austin's affections.austin knows who he wants, but he just doesn't want to say it.
Relationships: Austin Szerba/Robby Brees
Kudos: 1





	1. austin szerba needs to choose

Shann Collins was crying at the exact moment Robby Brees was wiping away his tears and lighting a cigarette.

Austin Szerba was holding Arek, who had just turned 5 months old. Arek had been crying, too, but for the reasons babies cry. 

Austin was singing to him. He was singing to him quietly, but it was loud enough for him to hear, so it was good enough. 

Shann stood up, and opened her door. She ran into Robby, who was walking out of his room, too. She wiped her face when she saw him, and he put out his cigarette. 

“Hello, Robby.”

“Hey, Shann.”

“You smoke too much,” she pointed out. 

“I know.” 

They both walked in the same direction, towards Austin’s room, and they stopped when they heard him singing to Arek.

“Damn,” said Robby, and Shann frowned. 

“You love him?” she asked.

“Always have,” Robby said. He looked at the door handle, but he didn’t open it. 

“I guess I do, too,” said Shann. “But I also hate him. I hate him so.”

Shann said things like “so” inside of “so much.” It’s just how Shann was. She looked at Robby and wiped her eyes again. “He’s unbearable sometimes, to me at least.” 

“Sure, he can be a jerk, but I wouldn’t say he’s unbearable,” Robby said. 

“Then it’s settled…you can go in there, Robby.” 

Robby looked at Shann like she had two heads, like the boy in Johnny McKeon’s office.

Shann walked down the hallway, back to her room, and Robby knocked on Austin’s door. 

“Come in,” said Austin’s very startled voice. Robby walked in as Austin was putting a sleeping Arek down in his crib. 

“I want to talk to you, Austin,” said Robby. Austin nodded and sat down on his bed, patting the spot next to him. 

Robby sat. 

“Listen, Austin…” Robby said, and stopped when his hand brushed Austin’s. But that’s not where it stopped. Austin took Robby’s hand into his own, looking him in the eyes. Robby wasn’t thinking straight. He usually wasn’t, what with him being 17 and all, but right now he had almost no thoughts. 

He kissed Austin, who was more than ready for it. It was different from the first time. Robby couldn’t sense the fear in Austin’s movements.

When they pulled away for air, Robby leaned his forehead against Austin’s and said, 

“Austin Szerba, will you be my boyfriend?” 

Austin looked down. “I…”

He didn’t say anything else for a long while. 

“I can’t. I can’t do that to Shann,” he said after what felt like an eternity. Robby looked at him, feeling tears rush to his eyes. 

“You can’t keep doing this, Austin,” he said, his voice wavering. “Is it me or her? You can’t do this to me, either. You can’t keep…” 

Austin shook his head. “Robby, I know. I don’t know how I can be in love with both of you at the same time, but I am, and I can’t hurt one of you by being with the other.”

“Fine,” Robby said. “Sorry for asking.” 

“Sorry for kissing you,” Austin said. 

“Yeah.” 

Robby got up and left Austin’s room, walking down the hallway to his own.

He needed to smoke.


	2. austin szerba prays for the first time

Austin sat on his bed, looking at the ground. Robby was right; he couldn’t keep doing this. He couldn’t do it to Shann, and he couldn’t do it to Robby. 

If he was being honest, he’d decided who he wanted about a week ago, which was why he didn’t push Robby away when they kissed. He knew what he wanted, but he didn’t know how to go about getting it. 

Shann had gotten increasingly annoyed with Austin after Arek was born. He didn’t know why; maybe it was because having a baby was too much responsibility and it was his fault that she even had one in the first place.

That wasn’t it, but Austin was unaware of the real reason. The real reason was because the kid reminded Shann of his father too much, just in looks. They had the same too-small nose and too-big eyes. Shann loved Arek, and in loving him, she’d realized that his father had nothing to offer her. 

Sure, she thought she loved him. Maybe she did at one point. But ever since the night they came down to Eden for the first time, her heart had become void. 

Austin cried. 

He didn’t like to cry, even by himself. He thought it was weak, but he knew that he shouldn’t think that way. He couldn’t help it. 

He remembered when he was little and his mother used to tell him to pray when he was confused. He was so very confused right now. 

He got on his knees and prayed to St. Kazimierz, saying everything he could to the empty room. He said things about Shann, and Robby, and the roof of the mall and the bowling alley. He cried. 

When he’d said everything that came to mind, he stood up and checked on Arek, who was still sleeping soundly.

Austin knew that Arek wouldn’t be sleeping long, so he climbed into bed to get every moment of sleep he could before his son woke up. 

* * *

That morning, Shann woke up and walked into the locker room for a shower. Robby was already in there, showering and singing a surprisingly good rendition of The Temptations “Build Me Up, Buttercup.” 

It made Shann feel very strange. 

“Robby,” she said. She heard him drop a shampoo bottle, apparently on his foot, because he swore. 

“Yeah?” he said, after a dramatically long recovery. 

“How did it go with Austin last night?” she asked. 

“I’m trying to shower, Shann,” he said. 

“I know, I was going to shower too,” she said. “I was just wondering.” 

“It went terribly,” said Robby. He called Austin a name and said, “he kissed me back and then told me he didn’t wanna be with me cause he couldn’t do that to you.” 

Shann laughed. Actually laughed. 

“Like he didn’t already cheat on me,” she said. “Listen, I’m gonna go tell him that he can do whatever he wants.” 

“Shann, you don’t have to do that.” 

“I know. That’s what makes me so awesome,” said Shann, smiling. Robby could not see her. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Robby responded with a chuckle, but Shann was already gone. Now, all Robby could hear was the shower water and the churning of the washing machines in the back of the locker room. 

Shann opened Austin’s door, and Austin immediately handed Arek to her. 

“He’s been crying all night for you, but I didn’t want to wake you up,” said Austin. 

Shann looked at Arek and kissed his head. “He’s a momma’s boy, huh?” she said in the baby voice that Austin admittedly hated. 

“You could say that,” Austin said. “He loves you very much.”

“Austin? I need to talk to you,” Shann said. 

“That’s almost what Robby said yesterday. Listen, Shann…If you’re about to ask me to be your boyfriend again, I-”

“You’re so dense,” Shann said. “I’m asking you to do what you want. I couldn’t care less, Austin. You’ve been nothing but terrible this past year. It’s better if I get over you.”

“Shann…Who are you doing this for?”

“I’m doing this for myself, Austin. Not for Robby, and definitely not for you.” 

She left, with Arek, and went into her room again. She left Austin’s door open, and Austin heard Robby singing. 

Austin looked down at the medallion on his neck. He pressed his hand against it and whispered, “thanks.” 


	3. austin szerba versus the bowling alley

Robby Brees stood in the doorway of the only place he knew Austin would not go in Eden. 

The bowling alley.

The fluorescent lights buzzed, something that Robby knew annoyed Austin to no end. Robby never noticed it before Austin said something. 

Robby walked into the bowling alley, putting his hands in the pockets of his jumpsuit. He looked around. He hadn’t been in there since the time he found Austin and Shann, zipping up their jumpsuits, the night they came down to Eden. 

Robby didn’t hate it there as much as Austin did. He’d spoken to Austin about it before, and he’d said every time he looked at the door to the bowling alley, he cringed. He’d said he didn’t know whether it was from guilt or something more.

Robby knew it was most likely guilt. 

Robby walked over and grabbed a bowling ball, not bothering to change his shoes. He’d been bowling a lot as a kid; people from Iowa liked to bowl, and so did Robby’s dad. 

He threw it down the lane, knocking over two pins. He had always sucked at bowling. But anything to keep Austin off his mind and out of his bubble of personal space was worth it. 

Austin stood outside the bowling alley, staring at the door. Memories from his first night in Eden were washing over him like too-cold shower water. He shuddered. He was filled with regret and disgust, if he was honest. He reminded himself that, well, Eden needed him and Shann to have that kid. 

That just reminded him that Eden 5 needed him. 

He was nauseous. He knew Robby was in there, and he needed to talk with him, so he opened the door slowly.

He took a breath.

Another breath, and a step inside the bowling alley.

“Hey Robby,” Austin said. Robby turned to him. 

“Did Shann send you?” Robby asked. 

“Not really,” Austin said. “I mean, she had a talk with me, but she didn’t send me to talk to you.” 

“You’re here on your own terms?” Robby said. 

Austin nodded.

“I thought you wouldn’t come in here,” said Robby, and Austin frowned. 

“You’re hiding from me in here?” he asked. Robby shrugged. 

“More or less,” he said. Austin put his hands in his pockets, nervous. 

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” he said. “You asked me something, and I knew the answer, and I didn’t say it the way I wanted to.” 

“What does that mean?” Robby said, going to get another bowling ball. 

“I knew what I wanted to say to you when you asked me to be your boyfriend,” Austin said, and took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. He offered one to Robby, who took it and tossed the bowling ball absentmindedly down the lane. 

“What would that be?” 

“I didn’t want to bring up Shann at all. Truth is, I’ve made the choice of who I want, and it isn’t her. This morning she told me she had to get over me, in a not so nice way. But I don’t really mind. She should get over me.”

“Why?” 

“Cause I’m not going back to her,” said Austin, taking a drag of his cigarette. Robby did the same. 

“We should leave here. Go to the lounge.” Robby said. Austin was more than happy to go somewhere else, so he agreed. They left the bowling alley and walked down the hall to the lounge, which was (thankfully) empty. 

Austin walked over to the record player and thumbed through the albums in the crates, finding an old one from the forties that they’d yet to listen to. It was the kind of stuff his mom listened to, but he assumed Robby would know it. 

Which he did. In fact, Austin knew the song, too. It was one of those well-known ones that sounded like it would play at a fancy party a few decades before they were born. 

“Are you trying to get me to dance with you, Porcupine?” Robby laughed. Austin shrugged. 

“I wouldn’t mind it,” he said. Robby stopped laughing. 

Austin held his hand out and Robby took it. 

Soon, Austin’s head was on Robby’s chest, and they were swaying back and forth to the soft saxophone coming from the record player. 

“Robby?” 

“Yeah, Austin?”

“I take back yesterday’s answer,” he muttered. Robby nodded. 

“I know.” 

They were silent for a while, listening to the music, holding each other. 

Austin looked up, and they kissed. It didn’t last long, but Robby had never felt happier. His seventh-grade self would be proud. Robby knew if he was still that age he’d probably cry. 

The two of them danced through all 8 songs on the record. They danced until Johnny McKeon sent Shann to tell them to come eat. Austin took the record off the record player and put it away. Robby smiled to himself. 

Things work out sometimes, he thought. No matter how it seems they won’t. 


End file.
